I'm Not Missing You
by screamingoutalovesong1980
Summary: After the events of Berlin, Red fled the country and Liz saw him off. He struggles to know when to reintroduce himself into Liz's life, while Liz finds herself struggling with the inevitable changes that have happened and Red's mysterious absence.


_**I'm Not Missing You**_

Red watches the two subtly in the parked Mercedes, tinted window scrolled halfway down, fedora and aviators on, feeling very Maxwell Smart.

He's been stuck on the pair for a little over ten minutes. There is something about the sight of her that never fails to calm him; It's like watching an old black-and-white film, and being engrossed completely in one of the characters. He flew back into Washington state under the radar. No one knows, not even... her.

But Red almost likes it that way. He finds himself loving this moment, observing her without her knowledge, where she looks peaceful and is doing her daily thing. She doesn't look defensive or on guard like she usually is around him. She's just a plain Jane woman doing her own thing in the park with her short, curly-haired pooch - or so he works hard to see her in that light.

But truth is, no matter what she does or what she says, she'll always be special to him.

No one knows it, but Red lives for these quiet, calm and reflective moments, which was why he exactly intended on slipping privately back into the country with no one knowing.

She is all the more oblivious to his return back into the country and that excites him on some level, to see her looking so carefree and like her usual self again, without him around making her question everything. She looks exactly as he remembered, albeit on the thinner side. Her hair is shorter and in a different style than it was before- probably a phase women did to empower themselves when their lives have changed so dramatically- but she's just like how he recalled her most. He smiles to himself and feels fondness pinch at his heart as she tries to coax the dog into working with her, in retrieving the rubber ball she throws around on the grass, only to little success.

It's been a month after Berlin. Months since Tom vanished but he's very much still alive and active, which Red hasn't gotten around to tell Liz about, given their current no-talking relationship. He's working covertly in Amsterdam and, as for Lizzie, she seems as if she is very much coping by herself- not that Red had any doubts to begin with.

She hasn't spoken to Red since but, in all fairness, he never let her. He left too quickly, wanting her to have time. And, hopefully during that time away, she didn't hate him as much as he thought she did due to what happened with Sam.

He watches her for a moment longer, transfixed, while she crouches down and attaches Hudson to the lead. Then she starts to move out of the park, and Red watches her go. Watching her through his tinted, orange sunglasses is like watching sunrise settle around her. He finds a strange mixture of sadness and poignancy in the moment, as his eyes follow her every movement.

"Shall we follow her, Raymond?" Dembe speaks up uncertainly from his spot behind the steering wheel. He turns around in his seat to look at Red, his brown eyes full of silent questions.

Red nods, working his jaw, but offers no further explanation. Knowing when its smart to keep quiet, Dembe starts the car up again, while Red finds one of his many spare mobiles and presses the dial key. She's the only person on his speed dial, which ought to show her importance in his life, and in the grand scheme of things. She's all he has left.

Red watches her as she pauses from tugging Hudson along, searching for her phone. He can't hear it ringing, but he imagines it; just like he has often imagined her coming close and speaking low in his ear while he has been away. She finds it in the pocket of her padded jacket, and as she answers, it's like the voice of an old, long lost friend in his ears. If he could capture Lizzie's voice in a glass jar and contain it, take it everywhere he went... he would.

"Hello? This is Elizabeth speaking. Can I ask who is calling?"

He hesitates for a moment, wondering on whether to make it known he is back in town. Was it too soon? Would she still be upset with him?

Time away from her has given him perspective. He understands now why she was so upset with him and he had his speech prepared in advance. _"I told you I would never lie to you. Despite how hard it was to tell you the truth about Sam and how much I knew it would cause you pain and hate towards me, I still did it, because I'm a man of my word."_ If only saying it was that easy...

"Hello?" she repeats, looking around her surroundings with the phone pressed to her ear. There is a certain something about her as she looks around. She looks frightened, wary, as if she suspects it's Tom calling, and Red sinks lower into the leather seat of the car as her blue eyes pass it. "Who is this? Who is calling me? Why don't you speak up?"

Red opens his mouth, preparing himself to speak, say the words he has so often practiced with a glass of wine, but then she says something that catches him immediately off guard.

"_Red_, is that _you_? If it is, please answer me. Where have you been?"

He decides maybe it isn't the right time after all, he chickens out, and he closes his mouth before ending the call. He watches her go while holding the phone tightly in his hands, and that's enough for the time being. They have all the time in the world to catch up soon.

"Go, Dembe," he directs his friend, without feeling in his voice or in his carefully controlled expression. He has learned to master it throughout the years, keep it all inside to fester. "You can leave now, I don't want to disturb her. Heaven knows she isn't ready _for that_ yet, but I'm confident she'll come around." Red's more than aware that he is mostly speaking to himself, reassuring himself of that, but it's what he wants and what has to happen. Until it does, he's more than happy to just hang around in the background, keeping his distance until she's ready.

He still thinks of her, every waking second, wondering how she is- though, sleeping has become a rarity for him, something desired. He thinks about her more than he would like to be conscious of. But now isn't the right time, and he's going to have to suffer a little longer. He'll try a little patience.


End file.
